Mood:
caffeinatedTopic: Dating
Well, I’m going to go ahead and say what every woman in America was thinking last night: Jake The Bachelor, is Jake the Asshole. The final episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, was more than just a Texan choosing between a Disney princess and Floridian white trash. It was a battle between good and evil, the woman you want to be vs. the girl at the frat party getting a…well, you know.
I hope you didn’t put me above watching The Bachelor, because I used to be super addicted—as in having to sit in front of the TV with no other distractions during each episode. I’ve cooled my jets since then, but I’m still interested.
But after last night’s episode, I wonder why? Why am I still interested in seeing something that is either fabricated, or really annoying as it displays the inner workings of a man who is portrayed to be perfect, but ends up picking the slutbag.
The answer is simple: I’m a masochist.
When we met Jake, we were all feeling sorry for him after the last Bachelorette, Julian, sent him packing and is now marrying someone else. Poor Jake, all he wants is a wife! He was perfect—a pilot, a Texan, good-looking, sharp, and even a little bit funny.
The drama this season was worth my Monday evenings; there was no shortage of crazies among this bunch o’ bitches! There was the blonde who showed up with a basket of gifts for all the girls that got kicked off (including her). Then we had the brunette who told Jake never to kiss her until she would be the last girl he would ever kiss…and then she kept saying, “sooooo you wanna kiss me, right?!” And buh bye. And then there was the Tennessee mom, who brought her son to meet Jake, only to get sent home soon afterward. And, we will never forget Roselyn, the whore who slept with the producer after she told Jake she was “here for him,” and was sent packing.
It was getting down to the nitty gritty when we had Tenley, Allie, Vienna, and Gia remaining. But then, Allie left to go back to her awesome work. Who trades work for love? Allie the Idiot does. Gia was the next to go—probably the most attractive gal of the bunch, but it was no shocker she was asked to leave.
When I began watching this season of The Bachelor, the morning radio show I listen to hosted a guy named Reality Steve who claimed he had an insider at The Bachelor. From there, he rattled off each woman and who would leave during each episode. He also claimed Vienna would be the one left at the end. Naturally, I didn’t believe him. I hoped Jake would chose Tenley, the sweet caring woman we’d loved from day one. So I continued to watch, even though all of Steve’s predictions came true.
Tenley is so optimistic it’s probably annoying in real life. But on the show, she opens up about being married once before, to the only man she’d ever been with. He cheated on her, they divorced, and now she was out to find love again.
Vienna, on the other hand, was the youngest of the bunch. She is also a little on the hefty side, needed her roots done, was loud, and admitted to being a daddy’s girl (read: he bought her lots of cars and jewelry). All of the girls distanced themselves from Vienna and couldn’t understand her and Jake’s chemistry.
But Jake The Asshole kept saying it was physical. To me that means Tenley didn’t sleep with him in the fantasy sweet or she didn’t try some wack-a-do freaky shit like Vienna. So when Jake sent Tenley away without a ring, it was a slap in the face to all of us women who have a little grace, a little dignity, and great hair.
The crazier part about last night’s episode, was Tenley’s reaction to Jake dumping her. She was thankful for having been shown love again. Wow. I’m going to try that line once I get dumped again, I mean girl, who is writing your script? During the “After the Final Rose” segment, Jake told Tenley they could be “life friends.” What in the hell is that, Jake the Asshole? No one wants a “life friend,” it’s called a husband here in America proper. Tenley didn’t go on national television to make a friend, she came for love and you ripped her heart out on the wings of love. I simply said that so you all would have that song in your head all day.
So Jake, I hope Vienna gives you a mean case of the clap. Have a safe flight, jerk. Oh and as for your upcoming stint on Dancing With the Stars, I hope you trip.
